Archive for April, 2012|Monthly archive page

I’ve Been to Heaven, I’ve Been to Hell.

In Uncategorized on April 3, 2012 at 12:32 AM

I don’t get times like this at night very often, especially its my A levels year. But anyway, i just watched a little of The Notebook and PS I Love You, just so i can feel touched/sad and let out some tears. Which I did, so I feel better now. Im not sad or what, but sometimes I just feel like crying, and if i have to do this to cry, its a good thing cos at least im not really, truly upset. 

So many things have happened to me, good things bad things and stressful things. Somehow at really bad times, when I thought I will breakdown so horribly, I actually survived. I have no idea how but it just happened. So many times I cried this year.. Grandpa’s funeral, touch rugby, school work, exams, my family, my boy.. Its obviously not an easy year. 

I haven’t been thinking that much these days, cos school is draining enough. Mmmm, I sleep too much, as though I am really lazy, but Im just in fact always trying to find chances to run away from the stress. Nothing is easy right now. Really. 

My competition starts on Wednesday, only God knows how fast time passes by. I do wonder if I am still on the right track. Its always easier to give up, but what would that make me? I really cant wait for this year to end. I want time for myself. More time for my boy. 

I always feel God is fair in one way or another. Life is all about giving and taking. He took away my equilibrium, to think through things with a calm mind, make wise decisions, but gave me someone who loves me for who I am, or at least, I supposed so. But in anyway, I am really glad and thankful. :’)

Life is difficult but interesting. I have never loved someone very much like how I am loving now; I have never seriously thought about what I want my life to be in the future… Going to university next year sounds so surreal. Am I growing up that fast? I used to think I have a lot of time, but not now anymore. Im determined but I am afraid I am not determined enough. 

Theres this thing about me, I don’t quite show it out… But I am always fearful, always scared, always afraid about every decision I make, and I am always uncertain actually. I am just not what I always seem to be. 

And sometimes when I get tired reassuring myself, I will stop and rethink about everything. It’s never quite a healthy cycle I suppose. 

On a lighter note, I am listening to the first mixtape my boyboy made for me. It always makes me feel better amidst of all my thoughts. Life has never been so… heart warming, so loved and so special. Cheesy as shit but really. Sometimes I lie on my bed, and I tell myself: So this is how falling in love and being in love feels like. Then I’ll smile cos I feel more than blessed. 

“These things there’s no telling, we’ll just have to wait and see. ” One of my favourite lines in one of the songs in the mixtape.

Haha, alright time to sleep. Seven more months of hard work. May strength be with me.