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Under My Blankets.

In Uncategorized on June 3, 2012 at 12:24 AM

Its sucha…crazy week. Not exactly busy with revision though I’m really supposed to be hyped up w revision… Its a crazy week cos its 9days without my dearest boy w me. Then I had to be unwell for consecutively 2 nights due to tummy cramps, and I was so so so tired cos I didn’t sleep well 😦

So anyway, its a Saturday and I went out w my mummy. She is e sweetest person on earth, really. We went to eat and shop, and I brought her to e flea market cos I told her I wanna find something cool. Oright, didn’t really manage to find anything much… BUT when we got home, she took out two very very lovely and extremely pretty vintage dresses for me!!! she wore them when she was in her 20s…which is like eons ago HAHA.

I asked my dad if he saw her wearing that before and he said yes! ahhh, I felt so magical at that moment. Can you imagine? seeing ur daughter growing up into a young adult and wearing ur wife’s dresses? I really feel e warmth, having family love like that.

Actually, people do come and leave too quickly in my life. Only my family stays w me. And by e way, things are only gonna get tougher from now. With exams in 3 weeks time and I’ll really have to study very very hard. I’ll have to try my best.

At e same time, I can’t wait to see suraj!!!! I miss him so bad my heart is gonna tear. 😥 come back soon honey.

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Once in awhile.

In Uncategorized on June 2, 2012 at 2:23 AM

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I’ve Been to Heaven, I’ve Been to Hell.

In Uncategorized on April 3, 2012 at 12:32 AM

I don’t get times like this at night very often, especially its my A levels year. But anyway, i just watched a little of The Notebook and PS I Love You, just so i can feel touched/sad and let out some tears. Which I did, so I feel better now. Im not sad or what, but sometimes I just feel like crying, and if i have to do this to cry, its a good thing cos at least im not really, truly upset. 

So many things have happened to me, good things bad things and stressful things. Somehow at really bad times, when I thought I will breakdown so horribly, I actually survived. I have no idea how but it just happened. So many times I cried this year.. Grandpa’s funeral, touch rugby, school work, exams, my family, my boy.. Its obviously not an easy year. 

I haven’t been thinking that much these days, cos school is draining enough. Mmmm, I sleep too much, as though I am really lazy, but Im just in fact always trying to find chances to run away from the stress. Nothing is easy right now. Really. 

My competition starts on Wednesday, only God knows how fast time passes by. I do wonder if I am still on the right track. Its always easier to give up, but what would that make me? I really cant wait for this year to end. I want time for myself. More time for my boy. 

I always feel God is fair in one way or another. Life is all about giving and taking. He took away my equilibrium, to think through things with a calm mind, make wise decisions, but gave me someone who loves me for who I am, or at least, I supposed so. But in anyway, I am really glad and thankful. :’)

Life is difficult but interesting. I have never loved someone very much like how I am loving now; I have never seriously thought about what I want my life to be in the future… Going to university next year sounds so surreal. Am I growing up that fast? I used to think I have a lot of time, but not now anymore. Im determined but I am afraid I am not determined enough. 

Theres this thing about me, I don’t quite show it out… But I am always fearful, always scared, always afraid about every decision I make, and I am always uncertain actually. I am just not what I always seem to be. 

And sometimes when I get tired reassuring myself, I will stop and rethink about everything. It’s never quite a healthy cycle I suppose. 

On a lighter note, I am listening to the first mixtape my boyboy made for me. It always makes me feel better amidst of all my thoughts. Life has never been so… heart warming, so loved and so special. Cheesy as shit but really. Sometimes I lie on my bed, and I tell myself: So this is how falling in love and being in love feels like. Then I’ll smile cos I feel more than blessed. 

“These things there’s no telling, we’ll just have to wait and see. ” One of my favourite lines in one of the songs in the mixtape.

Haha, alright time to sleep. Seven more months of hard work. May strength be with me. 

Genuine Smiles.

In thoughts on November 27, 2011 at 11:27 PM

It’s a really special weekend. A really family one. And I am so happy/glad i dedicated this weekend to my family. Especially with quite a number of quarrels recently, I screamed at my sister and dad… All is fine now. And I am so glad.

Yesterday was an awesome Saturday. Went to the hospital to visit my grandpa. My God, he’s so frail and broken. 😥 Seeing him, my heart teared. But at the same time, he’s still my adorable grandpa. He will always be. All he needs is just our love and caring touches. I love him, and those little memories we had together when I was a child.

If God were to take him away one day, He won’t take these memories away. I won’t allow that, at least.

Next after hospital was some shopping with my mum, dad and sister. I’m happy I gotten my stuffs, but Im happier we went out. Honestly, I haven’t shopped with my family in awhile. If you know me, Im a very family-person. So yes, I was elated.

And we went to celebrate my mummy’s birthday at Bosses’ Restaurant in Vivo (they sell some pretty good canto food and the service is great.). Well, I don’t know how to describe how I feel, but I smiled a lot. I smiled a lot, a lot. I am truly grateful to have my family. We aren’t exactly the richest, but we are definitely happy people. It’s a really well-spent day. I am so thankful.

I thought, maybe God put disgusting and horrible friends around me just so I cherish my family even more. All I can say is, You succeeded in making me love my family. I am really fine if one day, everyone around me just leave me. Just don’t take any of my family members away. Cos if they are gone, take me away too.

I visited my grandpa again this afternoon. He’s looking fine, just as blur as ever. But he could write a few words! 🙂
And then I came home and took a really good rest: Lying on my bed watching Something Borrowed.

Oh sweet lord, I love that show!!

It knocked a little sense into me. I thought, hey, maybe I really didn’t fight enough in my life to get what I wanted. That’s why people left me. Because I let them. (okay, to be fair, it’s either I can’t be bothered or I just hate fighting for what I want even though I want that person so badly.)

I keep everything in me. Even when Im upset with my good friends, I won’t say. Not because i dont want to, but because I don’t know how. I really hate arguments with friends, and I really don’t wish to make things awkward. But guess what? I can only blame myself because how will they ever know how i feel if i dont tell them? And so, how can I blame them for hurting me again and again?

People, friends, they always give sweeping statements like ‘OH, you can always talk to me.’ or, ‘Im thinking of how to help you.’ or ‘I really love you as a friend…” but maybe, just MAYBE, these statements have a part two? and maybe, just MAYBE, they go like, ‘OH, you can always talk to me… BUT bitch, i can’t guarantee you’ll be my priority.” or “Im thinking of how to help you… BUT if I don’t help, you can’t do anything too!! ” or “I really love you as a friend… BUT sorry I love her as my friend better.”

Hahaha, how much dependence can you really gain from friends? How much love and care can you really receive from them? How much time and effort are they really willing to put in for this friendship? Just how much is enough? Just how much can make a bond stay real strong? Haha, just how much?

There are just times like these, whereby Im so sick and tired of listening to bullshit, of listening to words that were never really meant to be. And there’s absolutely no one you can truly count on when you need a talk, a cup of coffee, a hug and a walk. Sometimes, so many times, you have to do things alone. I guess thats fine, well, everything is just good if people don’t intentionally rub some unnecessary salt onto my unnecessary wounds. Everything is just good if people whom I’ve shared some secrets with, don’t use them to piss me off, upset me and pull me down.

I am really pretty much a strong girl. I just find I have too much of the world at this young age. And I disagree with it.

Goodnight.

Non-existence.

In Uncategorized on November 25, 2011 at 11:02 PM

It poured pretty heavily today, again. Why am I not surprised? Yesterday’s rain was beautiful, but it destroyed the whole training. Apart from not perspiring that much, I saw nothing much that really angered me. The truth is, Im losing it. Im losing the right feelings for touch rugby. Why am I not afraid to say? I am facing this fact anyway. 

I spent my whole day at home, resting, downloading some new bands, went for a hair trim and facial. It’s just like any other day except today, I thought about things a little more than usual. So I am just gonna type them all down. (provided I remembered all…)

1. I thought about myself. 

I honestly won’t deny I am more of an emotional person though I don’t seem like at all. Im in fact so sensitive. (well, I only realised this recently.) I do take things pretty personal at times, and it gets to my head so strongly I became unhappy. I really won’t deny that. 

I thought actually, I am a very old school person. I enjoy the formal respect one should have, really. Because it seems to me that these days, even people who claim to ‘cherish you a lot’ or ‘love you so much as a friend’ and ‘thankful to have you in my life’, don’t or CAN’T even show you some basic respect as a friend. This is really frustrating and it confuses me. I won’t even try trusting you if you take my presence as non-existent or for granted or you’re just not what you claim to be. 

I think this is really scary, how people can really protect themselves at the stake of respect and trust. How people can change their sides so fast, how people can say one thing to you and do another to the other. How people are so double-standard, and go around hurting people thinking they get hurt the most. 

And as I am writing this, so many names and faces come to my mind. I am not even sorry to say this because I am starting to feel so uncomfortable with people trying so hard, and trying to prove to everyone they are more superior. WHAt THE FUCK. Aren’t you tired? Just be yourself and be kind, why go around being bitchy and then still claim you know how it feels. Some people are just so awkward, so not trustable and so attention-seeking… Maybe most of the people around me are like that and it’s getting on my nerves that I really decide that being alone, spending time with myself is the most viable option. 

I know I have too much of a pride, of character and I am always going strong on my decisions and thinking. I have been like this for the past 17 years and I have no intentions to change. Why should I? Why should I change myself just so I fit into conversations more snuggly? Why should I change myself just so I get the same love from others? I don’t think I am perfect in any sense, but at least I think different, I hear different, I see different and this already gives me a better sense of the environment, for me to judge and decide if I should stay or leave. At least I see the right and wrong and I know where I will want to be. 

I get so tired of laughing at things that are intentionally made funny. I get so tired of conversations that have no depth, all just about other people, or just random bitching or just some foods that were ate. I get tired of that. Okay fair enough, probably because I am not interested. And well, if you are clever enough to link, then that makes me uninteresting as well, just because I don’t talk about the common stuffs, and I don’t love the common stuffs. Then know what? Go ahead, cause I don’t mind being uninteresting to some people out there forever. They don’t weigh much in my life anyway. 

So I realised, I don’t even bother talking these days. Words are pointless when they hold no meaning. If you are not hungry, eating has no meaning for you. Similarly, if you are just going to speak some senseless nonsense, then words have no meaning for you. I’d very much prefer leaving words for people I truly care and truly interested about. Plus, I decided that silence is really gold. 

Apart from talking less, I listen and see more. It all makes sense to me! I talk less, and I listen to my music more, and I watch more movies. I feel at peace when I dont talk. I feel at peace when I just do things my gut feeling wants me to do. I feel at peace when I see my family happy and I feel at peace when I don’t use facebook and twitter. 

I feel at peace when I read. And know what? I really, really hate it when people try to be like me. Liking the same stuffs and acting the same way. It makes me feel so annoyed because you know they very well aren’t that kind of person they TRY so hard to be. They just want to do it because it makes them feel special. Well, all I can say is, you are already special by being yourself. Isn’t it? 

I think so much today. I made myself angry by thinking so much. Then I calmed myself by thinking so much too. See, what a thoughtful mind can do to you. Haha, but I am used to this constant battle inside me. It doesn’t hurt me actually, just makes me see things and people much clearer. Although I do get disappointments after each thinking session, but it also gives me a sense of comfort knowing that I can rid some issues and people off my life. 

Nobody can ever weigh the pros and cons of thinking. Each individual thought is so unique and its level of harm is only clear to outsiders. So why bother thinking about what others think when you already choose to stay away from people? Why bother? 

I can only say, I just want myself to be like the younger me, happier and bubblier. 

If We Cannot See.

In thoughts on November 16, 2011 at 7:55 PM

There’s less to say, to talk about these days. I’d prefer seeing, in silence; or maybe looking in thoughts. I haven’t been going to church for the past two Sundays. I don’t know what is it exactly that I am lacking. All I know is, I won’t doubt what I see.

I won’t doubt what I see with my eyes.

That’s why I love this song:

If We Cannot See – Devics

You were born with a heart that could never be filled
With a head like snow that could never be stilled
There are streets paved in gold that shine so bright
That you force yourself to look away

If we can’t see now, we might never see
We only kill ourselves more slowly
If you can’t find love, then you will finally see
How we kill ourselves slowly

The words that fall from your mouth
They crystallize and break on the ground
And everything you want, you don’t have
but you force yourself to look away

If we can’t see now we might never see
We only kill ourselves more slowly
If you can’t find love, then you will finally see
How we kill ourselves slowly

If you can’t find me then you can’t find love
If you close your eyes then you will finally see
That you’re already here with me

—-

I fell sick last Friday. Feels like shit totally. Bad headaches, inconsistent fever, sore throat… YEA, eye infection. And my appetite has been so bad, even up till now. My head hurts damn bad. I fee like dying.

Thought about many things. All the possible what-ifs and stuffs like that. Sometimes I really wonder if I should end up here. Or end up where I am now. Even from the very start. My life would have been so different if I was born into another family. Or maybe I would have gotten into a school of my choice if I studied harder. Maybe life would have been easier if I realised all of these earlier.

I do regret. But what Im taught, is to make the best out of everything. You know, it’s so easy to say, but honestly, sometimes it gets so tiring to be so optimistic, because you know you may not see what you want to see in the end. So many times, I ask myself, what’s the point? It’s not easy to live, things are made even harder with choices we have to make along the way, and even even harder when we have to make them alone. Not easy.

I am dying to live the life I want. Who doesn’t right? But somehow, I feel so daring to dream, to hope for something when in actual fact, I am so scared about the future. These days, I only think about such things occasionally. (I used to think about it all the time.)
And then I wonder, is it because I lost the ability to see things right and wrong? Is it because I no longer know what I want?  Is it because I already get so tired fighting for what I want? That’s why I cannot see what’s ahead of me?

As I grow older, people around me who don’t have to work that hard to get what they want increase. Not because they are capable, but because it’s just unfair. We are all born without rights. We are all born into this world of unfairness and inequality. The minute we are born, is the minute we suffer. Maybe there are two types of people: Optimistic sufferers, and alright, weaklings?

I have no idea what my presence means to myself, my family, my friends, the society, the world. I have no idea. Guess I just lost it, just lost the ability to see who I am like I used to. Whatever okay, I am so tired. I just want to live simply, all by myself.

With some music, and a bed. Yeah, I wish I don’t live. I wish I didn’t happen. Because living is tough when you wont doubt only what you see.

Be Cold — It Reminds You To Cherish When Warmth Comes

In Uncategorized on November 3, 2011 at 10:57 PM

It has been hell of a long time since I last posted. But oh well, I am just going to post some of my thoughts.

We often become the people we said we will never be. I never understood why.
But we are all insecure creatures because we fear. And often, when we fear, we hurt other people because we want to protect ourselves. Or at least, I want to protect myself.

Over the years, I get more and more guarded because I get hurt so badly by people. They abused my trust, take away people whom I love, again and again. How strong can I be, I break down too. So my faith in people keeps diminishing. Trusting becomes so hard, and soon it becomes a chore. Then I start wondering why do I always meet the wrong people.

One day I realised there isnt any reason why I met them. Those who hurt me before left me scars, made me build a wall around me; those who are hurting me now deepen the scars, made me build a stronger wall around me; those who may hurt me… Yes, more or less you get what I mean. I don’t believe in people anymore.

I am scared of loving people, because they leave me so quickly. And I am not used to fighting for people that I love dearly, because I’m afraid I will lose the fight. I am so scared. I have no faith in anything. I have no trust in anyone. I don’t know how to love anymore. I am so guarded. Yet people keep taking things away from me.

I need to feel a sense of belonging. Be it to a place or to a person. As I grow older, I realised I don’t belong to my parents anymore because I am starting to have a life of my own. Then friends aren’t exactly the best people to feel this belonging to. So comes love. But love fails me, I’ve learnt to love, to care and people just take it for granted.

Im scared. I’ve asked God so many times why people whom I love always leave me in the end. I’ve cried so many times I dont know what to feel anymore. I’ve faked that smile for such a long time i am convinced its a real smile.

Sometimes I look into the mirror, I don’t know who that person is. I see a haggard, tired and lost soul. Haggard from constantly being strong; tired from constantly self-reassuring that things will be okay and lost, lost from trying to be back myself.

So I start getting colder. But it makes me feel good. It makes me feel like people can hurt me all they want and I won’t break. The ice in me keeps getting tougher.
It’s good to be cold because I really think that I will cherish the warmth that comes along. To make me less tough, and then gets tougher again.
It’s kinda hard to explain how I truly feel. But just, my life isn’t easy around with people.

I just want to live alone. Hearing only my voice, seeing only myself, and feeling only myself. I feel safer this way.

I really do.

Life As It Seems.

In Days Passing Like Breeze. on June 9, 2011 at 1:29 AM

Guess it just stopped raining, not hearing the raindrops sounds anymore. I’d rather it continue raining actually. I think I may just fall asleep faster.

Its June holidays now, I’m not exactly on task for my studies, feeling kinda bad actually. But I’m that kinda person I fear yet still procrastinate. What to do?

Recently I’ve been spending a lot of time with my JC friends. They make me so happy, really. I laugh a lot these days, though I don’t know whats ahead for me.
I always tell myself not to be too happy cos God may just take something away from me anytime soon. I kinda fear for that, cos its painful each time it happens.
Hahaha. What to do?

I’m so hungry now. Feel like eating something that warms my tummy. Mmmm. Alright, I still can’t sleep!! Are there better things for me to do instead of ranting stuff here?

Yesterday I went to the animal shelter w my class and Kristine. Really awesome and the dogs are so friendly. :’) I really want a dog, especially the beautiful Japanese Spitz…

Then headed to meet Gideon for lunch at Bedok. Mmmm, that bird, hahaha one funny bird. Kris and I laughed so badly.

Nope not yet, my day w Kris haven’t end yet. We went to meet Alden etc for dinner @ sakae sushi cos Ray’s going overseas tomorrow night.
So much foodies these days!! I know right!!! Gotta watch my weight already. 😥

Went pool with them after dinner, and I swear I suck at it. 🙂 hahaha all the others, ALL SKIP SCHOOL &that explains their pool skills. HAHA.

Alright, time to really sleep.
Hopefully I will study tomorrow. 🙂

dogs

dogs

Insignificant Feelings.

In Days Passing Like Breeze. on May 6, 2011 at 11:45 PM

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Wasting time seems like the best thing I know how to do.
Today, I feel nonsense. I feel rubbish. I feel…like crap.
When I close my eyes, I think of people I shouldn’t think.
When my phone rings, I silently prayed for the text to be yours.
When I lay my work infront of me, I can’t focus.
When I think of you, I wonder if I am important.

I am truly starting to think if I had ever done anything in my life that I love.
I am starting to ponder about what’s ahead of me.
I do a lot of thinking so much so I don’t know how not to think.

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Somehow, nothing keeps me going.
I forgot how it feels like to live MY life.
Then I thought about the number of times hurt comes crashing on me.
I feel so afraid.
I don’t dare to give, I don’t dare to love.
I keep everything to myself so I worry less.

I really want to do something that I really like.
I really do.

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Clara.

Been Awhile.

In Days Passing Like Breeze. on May 2, 2011 at 12:15 PM

It’s really been awhile since I posted.
JC life has been hectic but Im glad I managed to find some joy out of it.
These days have been a whole lot of learning and understanding and crossing fingers.
As usual, there are days when Im totally hyped up and there are days I just feel like dying(OH GOSH).
But well, where’s the fun if everyday is a Sunday? (hahaha, quoted from coach.)

Some recent updates.
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Movies with JC friends.

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School Talentime with awesome people. 😉

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Meet crazy girl. 😉

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And not forgetting my best girls. ❤
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Life has been like this these days, a lot of laughing and thinking.
I wouldn’t say I like it totally, but at least I get something new out of it everytime.

Clara.